Breaking silence and i fall for him the second time.

Here we go, almost one year starting our semi-long distance relationship (well, i can't say its a long distance relationship because we still living in the same states but different cities chasing after our dreams in academic and of course for the sake of the future).

Its not easy as it seems, as u can see the previous blog that i written, its went pretty nasty and went out of control. We were this close to the border line, and i can't deny i really thought of the worst to come. But thank god, i really glad we two talked it out and the bond is much stronger than its before. Maybe that moment we both realize that we really love each other, no doubt at all when you felt your heart sank to the bottom of the ocean realizing you gonna lose him/her. 

Its was the worst and the most life- learning throughout my 20 years. We fought hard like fire and storm, throwing harsh words at each other and both tearing down into arguments, blaming at each other, tears and silence war burst out of no where. We gave both of us sometime to ourselves to find the way out of it. We knew our love and compassion towards each other were there all the time, is just that we are so caught up with the reality stress and past, in the end we need to be alone for awhile. And here we go 3 weeks of without being WE and temporarily be ME, the road to find the true us. I really told myself to stop checking your last status and searching the source of happiness by myself. I want to be happy of being ME, not ANYONE GIRLFRIEND, ANYONE BEST FRIEND, We made a mistake that we bottled up everything just to ensure the other person happiness. Shouldn't be that way. 

After three weeks of isolation, we met up like we promise to each other:"Lets give both of us some time out in 3 weeks. After the 3 weeks, meet me when you ready." So many sleepless nights that this might not turn out well, the silence might make you realize your love towards me were no longer there and the worst thing is we will come to the end. But, for god sake, we spoke it out and  I end up were in your arm, you holding me so tight.

That's when i realize, u love me like how i love you and even though we went through all those bad days, when you held me in your arms, I knew i wanna be the one you love and fight for. Secretly, I fall for you for second time. Smiling and I asked myself, this guy will gonna make you fall for him more and more day by day, and what about the unpredictable future? Let God decide it then. I rather risk then stop trying.

7/4/2016

反正都睡不着，就Update下羽今天的天空。

天空还是一样灰，可以说是两个月都是满城风雨的状态吧。

一直徘徊在你心里的那道比我还高的围墙，我被你冷漠在外头一个月。

其实一开始也没发现什么，就突然你忙你的课业开始变成我每次主动信息你，

之后一个礼拜每个讯息隔天看了却不回，

后来变成一个礼拜不看也不回，

我便无奈，问起你最近怎么了？你回：对不起，我心情不好，所以不想跟任何人说话。

着急的我就打了电话，你说：没事了....不懂怎样跟你说...何必给你知道...不知道...很好啊...想不通都还是得睡觉啊....*WTH I FEEL LIKE TALKING TO A PROGRAM WITH ALL THE CODING

我们的一年纪念日，你没写什么，听你的口气也好像不是我想象地开心。等了一整天还以为会有什么sweet的post，结果期待还是毁灭了。算了吧，我就主动告诉你吧。回的信息：happy anniversary。总觉得少了好多东西，少了些期待，少了些当初的暖暖，多了沉默，多了无奈，多了疑问。这也不能怪你，因为当初的争吵也算在我的份上。为了我们一周年纪念日，我写了很长的email，关于你超级在乎的事情，也是我不想提起的事情。有可能是因为这件事，你又开始冷漠我。现在是即将一个月了，我也只能在这里写下我的心情。

听着歌，就会开始自己哭。不知道这几个月我哭了多少次，也恨你了多少次。但每次看着你上线下线，我还是认定那个人是你。我企图有主动信息你，结果你给我的沉默让我更加痛心，怀疑你是不是开始把我推开。但是，我又回想你说过的话：不要自己在哪里想太多。

一，ignore my whatsapp

二，ignore my insta

三，u can reply my msg, but instead u liked other people picture on insta

或许你没了我的陪伴还至少有身边的哥儿们吧。而我呢？失去了我的男友，我的好友，我的伙伴。当一个人回到房间，对着那墙，又对着sibeh palia 的事情，我到底能跟谁哭诉？我真的累了每天强颜欢笑，而且没有一个朋友我信赖的。不是每个人都有空听你述说。哈哈哈，真的孤僻的我。那天小学朋友的聚会，我看见我的朋友和他的女朋友很甜蜜，我身边的朋友也忙着跟她的男朋友信息她在干嘛，而我看我那冷当当的电话。结果看见啤酒，我就灌酒。那是我人生第一啤酒，也一次就喝了三瓶。后来朋友问起，你怎么没在忙着跟你的男朋友聊天，结果那句话真的差点让我哭，可是我还是忍着说：没什么，他忙着应付考试，哈哈哈。为了掩饰我的泪水，就一直笑。我朋友就拍了我一张照片send 给你，你没看，也没得到你的问候。我觉得好难过，难道你不在乎我在外头喝酒吗？

现在，同个手段，两个改变我的爱情世界的男人用了同样的方法来抗议。但是现在不一样的是，对你的爱远比他也远比我自己还来的多，所以心就更难受，但还是让我无法忘记牵着你的手的时刻，依靠在你的肩膀的时刻。不管怎样坚强，我还是个女人。一边打着字，泪水又开始淹没我的双眼。又是失眠的夜晚。想的人还是你。晚安。爱你。

有你的回忆，总是那么美好

还记得不管班有多远你会假装找事情来顺便看我
还记得晕倒隔天你买了超大包的饼干
还记得那时的下课都是我们期待的见面
还记得那时我会看着你打球过后默默在心里觉得超帅气的
还记得在食堂偶然的请客，小小的礼物
还记得你总是和我分享你身边的事
还记得那时你积极在班上救当时我回答不了老师提出的问题
还记得我们一起主持中秋晚会
还记得那时你失望我毕业典礼后就这样走掉，你失去载我的机会
还记得那时放学总是陪我走的那段路
还记得你希望在外面都能whatsapp我而换去hotlink
还记得我们一起打拼stpm
还记得你看过我那爆肝脸上满痘痘的我
还记得那天你载我出去的第一天
还记得每次在车上坐在傍边，你一旦嘲笑欺负我就打你的手的习惯
还记得每次像个怪叔叔说要直接载我回你家，Lol
还记得你害羞地拉下车窗称呼我妈妈
还记得那neon glow bottle 虽然失败的那份感动
还记得你太不喜欢我班的人但是还是留下陪我庆祝生日
还记得那篮球衣写着usui takumi 7号
还记得你为了拿下olahragawan的拼，大家都看在眼里
还记得每次你跟你妈抢车为了要来载我
还记得你迷迷糊糊忘了我在外婆家，但跑到我家等我
还记得那圣诞节礼物，情人节礼物
还记得我收到第一朵玫瑰
还记得那天牵起我的手时感觉你紧张手在出汗
还记得你没带够现金我拯救了我们
还记得在melaka trip 时偶然看见你的前女友
还记得每次在麦当劳我们俩聊天的超多话题
还记得每次都烦着要去哪里吃
还记得因为我说过喜欢你家附近夜市的食物，之后你特地拿过来给我
还记得你在你的亲戚前面介绍我
还记得购物鞋子你还会帮忙一起看鞋子
还记得我们的baskin robbins
还记得我和你朋友做birthday surprise 还差点被他们遗忘躲在厕所的我
还记得我买给你的衣服，虽然你没说但我知道你不太喜欢
还记得那天新年第一次你来到我的家，而且是主动要求的
还记得那天你穿上我买的衣服，可是头发放gel发型怪怪的
还记得那天我第一次见到你妈妈
还记得我偶然会被你的发型感到无奈
还记得我们的三月二十日
还记得我看horror Movie 抓住你的手
还记得我看见你和我家人相处的那份感动
还记得你拿成绩后想到未来的路挣扎着
还记得我们俩上大学前的那个见面

The begining of you and me

Making my first step to new environment, with a ugly average length of hair and new uniform, thinking: Don't worry, u gonna be fine in new school, just 2 years. Nothing gonna goes wrong, right? *IF ONLY I KNEW THAT 2 YEARS WILL CHANGE MY LIFE COMPLETELY*

Smiling while walking through the crowd of all those old and new faces. We started our orientation for one week duration. Scanning through the people in the lecture hall. One group of guys that caught my attention. They were talking and laughing loudly, and looking around as well. I saw you, you were sitting between two of your friends with that fair skin and weird haircut. Without wasting any more time, i just glanced and stared at another group of girls. *IF ONLY I KNEW THAT YOU WILL CHANGE MY LIFE COMPLETELY*

Entered my new classroom, well not actually what i was expected. It was the first day when #lol6cergas gang met and became the bunch of classmates that makes my form six more fun and laughter. Although through those 2 years, arguments did happened, but believe me. My birthday celebration will never be the same like how that bunch of people celebrated for me.

JPAM camp which held at the bench. It was torturing because all those mosquitoes and training. I remember that night i was combing my hair in the tent, i look out and saw you were sitting at the bench lonely staring blankly, looking emo. *I WONDER WHAT YOU WERE THINKING BACK THEN

Then. the second semester we started studying chemistry together with another class, the physic class where you were. When me and my 2 friends went in and sat at the second row of the table, i saw you and your friends sat in front of me. From that day, we become friends and starting to know each other. I remember there was a Chinese writing competition, I went around asking anyone want to join in, u heard it and message me that night, but that time i was using that laosi Samsung phone was so lag, i didn't know u messaged me until the next day.

From that day, we started chatting even after school. However, you always the one who begin the conversation instead of me. Even after the competition ended, you still looked for me online. Then, came the lower six orientation. I was surprised that I'm the only person who got partner that from other classes to in charge of the station, and some of them telling me only mine special, but actually i don't get it, don't care anyway. For few days u didn't come to me to discuss about the plan and i got mad, complain to the head of the club. I was like: =.= what kind of person is this? 

Luckily the plan went successfully and from that activity we getting closer even more. However at that time, got one guy was trying to get close to me as well. First chat he had with me is: I miss you. I scolded him: Can u don't send this message to scare me off ma. He said sorry and i did't think much and we become friends. He did origami and always sitting beside me. I just thought he just being friendly *NAIVE ME LOL* He always said he lost his mother very young and wanted to just followed her to heaven. That was the day i started to get annoyed. He got so clingy and multiple messages coming in, but I still tolerating with him by replying with simple sentence. He always said bad rumors almost all the guys in school and I just act dumb. Then, eventually he started to realize i keep ignoring his messages all the time, and asked me whether I messaging with another guy. I said: yes, he made my day by talking with me. 

That day MCD discussion of MUET exam, someone said: hey, you wanna join volleyball or not, let him be your coach, I blushed. Well, that guy got the news and voice messaged me like 2am in the morning all the sudden with crying voice and confessed to me. I rejected him and he said he was fine. However, everything turned pretty nasty between him and we stopped talking since last arguments that i was so fed up.

Before the MCD discussion, you once in awhile came online and chat with me. I know you been beating around the bush to see how I felt for you, but i played dumb all the time. Until that day, i realize you wrote in one of the post i shared at Facebook: 错过有时候比较好吧....That was the day i confirm that i fell for you, because i stumbled and afraid you will gave up on me. I gained my courage, and asked one of your friend the way u felt for me in hoping your friend will let you know how i felt. Just what i expected, your friend did ask how you felt but never informed both parties until he so frustrated on the long hesitation both of us being into and let the cat out of the bag. On my idol, Lee Min Ho birthday, i purposely posted in Instagram saying Happy birthday, giving you a chance to come and talk with me. In my expectation, you did and admitted you like me. *DID YOU KNOW I WAS THE ONE WHO SECRETLY LEAVING THE TRACES ON THE PATH FOR YOU TO LEAD YOU INTO MY HEART? 

To be continued.................................................

The recovery of tears and bruises that never expected to be happen in the first place

Its like out of no where, the war began that we never expected. Tears and blaming games were like armor and bullets. Both of us were scared although at the end of the day we put down our armor and make deal to be peace and honest. That night i grew more older than i was before.

I never knew that i being so selfish throughout the whole relationship because i was blessed to be filled with the love and caring that u keep pouring and at certain limit, i took it for granted. I always thought that being truthful is the best but i think end up all the words i spoken unfiltered (should i say: not mindful to each and every word i said because too comfortable being with you that i didn't put myself to your shoes).

That 1hour conversation really kills me inside. I was so sad to hear you the other side of the phone was so frustrated and all those tears u shed make me realize how much you love me.

27.9km. Is that really what cause us to become more doubtful towards each other trust and faith?

I don't really know.

I never knew.

Is me or you?

Although the starting conversation pretty nasty but at least we still manage to stop the war before it gets even more worse until at the certain extend we may lose each other. But the recovery gonna be tough. 

First, we will never get back to the past when we never argue on anything. 

Second, the scar after the fight will never be faded in our heart, as we blamed each other we said too much of unnecessary words to defend ourselves and it hurts the other one's heart. 

Third, it takes time to be comfortable with each other presence because right now each and every things you said will be filtered repeating. You are worrying that you might said something wrong again.

27,9km. Its hard to not being there with you all the time but i know you felt the same too. Perhaps, throughout the whole time you never express anything unlike i always do, that time i always felt i need you more than you need me and its unbearable. U always believe action better than words, but I not too say like words more than action instead i want to hear the words to acknowledge whats in your mind. I know people say if u love someone, you know what he/she thinks. Half correct. Now we are 27.9km apart with each busy schedules, less talk, less meetup, less face-to-face. So, how i gonna know what you are thinking and felt? Words in phone screen don't carry expression. Interpreting might happen. ( I wondering is that why you don't wrote much during whatsapps)

So, its tough to see the recovery is happening during this 27.9km apart. From conversation frm morning to night, midnight convo, until now 10mins conversation. You can't say you are fine with that, but i accept it as challenge and a trust to have with you although i know deep inside i hate changes.

#Aslongaswearefightingforfuturetogether