两人的时间

五月天最新的歌《结束终点的起点》有一段话围绕在我脑海里：因为相爱所以在一起，因为深爱所以分离。在这世界有多少的情侣明明是相爱的，但是因为现实生活很多种种失望堆积成最终分离的因素。因为深爱对方，不想再看见自己深爱的模样逐渐消失，选择在双方还没失去只剩痛恨和遗憾而选择离开。

我都慢慢开始不喜欢我自己常常开羽的天空，或许每次打开这里说的东西都是那些委屈是没有人可以分享的地步。结果相隔半年的时间，我又进入羽的天空，打着我想诉说的每一句话。

两人的时间都是我每次心里默默贪心地许下的愿望。有人一定说：你们俩不是情侣吗？为何还要梦寐原有的东西？我想只有我自己知道每次的见面都是多么地珍贵，就如异地恋一样。他，是大家的超人，扛着保护大家的重责。他是家里的主人，他是妈妈的超级儿子，他是妹妹的超级哥哥，他是朋友圈的大哥。能力和时间全部都奉献给了家人和朋友，而我呢？是他一直努力想要照顾的女人，但是每一次都有心无力。

我必须坚强，习惯一个人的生活，不哭不闹，但是这样我突然问了自己：那么你的存在是为了什么？我也想要一个超级男友，但是眼睁睁看着你忙碌到自己累坏，而我也只能默默笑着一个人过日子。两人的时间原来是我以前都必须已等待，排着队轮到我。哈哈哈，想想又是无奈和搞笑。是，我现在已经开始累，觉得我自己三年的容忍和不哭不闹还满厉害的。我这样应该是全天下最傻的女人。

圣诞节我以为应该是轮到我们两人的时间，结果事实让我心冷，但是还是必须笑笑就好。我到底要怎样做才可以赢到你的世界，你的时间，你一个人就好。是不是时候说再见？三年里期望你能够学会给予我时间，结果好像变得更加恶化。上天，请你告诉我如何呢？

18岁的相遇，22岁的成长

你是否在这年纪轻轻就想照顾一辈子的女孩？

你是否在这年纪轻轻就想随他一辈子的男孩？

因为珍惜而犹豫

因为未来太遥远而逃避

可是因为爱而勇敢，而打破围墙为了与你肩并肩走向未知的路程

22岁，

还在为自己的未来奔波的年纪

还在靠着政府大学贷款存活的年纪

还不能够为未来而做出承诺的年纪

但是已经爱上一个

也如22岁的你

还在为自己的未来奔波的年纪

还在靠着政府大学货款存活的年纪

还不能够为未来而做出承诺的年纪

因为小小呵护而温暖

因为见你奋斗而相信

倒不如说因为有你而勇敢，就算多少的困难都我们俩一起度过

18岁的相遇，19岁的暧昧，20岁的相恋，21岁的争吵，22岁的成长。

一个如男孩粗鲁的女孩与一个如女孩细腻的男孩的故事还在叙述中

To be continue...

Saying no is not always wrong

First week of the new semester is always the time u can just chill in your room and instead of rushing from one class to another for whole day. 2016 is a roller-coasted ride which brought the happiness and sorrows memories but its okay, like what people say: you need sunshine and rain to grow and after all the world outside are even more wicked and hypocrite than u can imagine.

Seriously, it always best to put yourself first in process of doing a task because human sometimes can be seem to be a little selfish and easily taken for granted if you helped them numerously. I learned my lessons today on this matters: some human beings are always depending on people help regardless on the inconvenient that person might be and felt offended if the person reject it once although he/ she might already helped you for several times with no complaint.

I never been so pissed before throughout my life (except for the argument with my bf but ya i have to admit its both parties have to be blamed with the words used are not wise and lets just not enter this issue again). Honestly as her junior, I helped her all the way from her final year till she entered the job world and finished her internships. Its not that I'm expecting her for pay back because eventually I did it all willingly as a friend and as a junior. However, I hope to gain respect when I rejecting for like once after all those helps I offered. Respect is all I need and you fail to do so. The task that you want me to do is risky because u guys did it for your own sake and willing to take the risk, but how you can expect me to do and eventually is not my own sake. I rejected it few times with nice way and politely but she just throw her temper on me with "yorr". As all Malaysians know, "yorr" is a expression of impatient and very, i say it again very upset with one's answer which not fulfilling on what demanded/ expected. 

Please, I'm not bragging myself on how noble I did for someone since I agreed on helping. But seriously? Do I deserve such responds after all I did for you? If I'm being so selfish, I wouldn't agree to help you from the beginning. I really don;t deserve such treatment who don't appreciate what I did and taking it for granted. If the situation become vise versa, will you do the same for me? I bet you can't answer it my darling. 

So, I reply her on how I felt and block her. People might say: why are you being so mean? You can talk it out and solve it. "No, I have enough of her. If she has a conscious mind, she wouldn't throw a temper on me after i rejected it nicely. And she will just keep begging for my help. For goodness sake, let me just be peace with my decision and I don't really care anymore on how you judge me because the people around me felt the same way as I do. 

"Saying yes is not right. Saying no is not always wrong." 

FIGHT FOR YOUR OWN RIGHT AND HOW YOU DESERVED TO BE TREATED. 

Breaking silence and i fall for him the second time.

Here we go, almost one year starting our semi-long distance relationship (well, i can't say its a long distance relationship because we still living in the same states but different cities chasing after our dreams in academic and of course for the sake of the future).

Its not easy as it seems, as u can see the previous blog that i written, its went pretty nasty and went out of control. We were this close to the border line, and i can't deny i really thought of the worst to come. But thank god, i really glad we two talked it out and the bond is much stronger than its before. Maybe that moment we both realize that we really love each other, no doubt at all when you felt your heart sank to the bottom of the ocean realizing you gonna lose him/her. 

Its was the worst and the most life- learning throughout my 20 years. We fought hard like fire and storm, throwing harsh words at each other and both tearing down into arguments, blaming at each other, tears and silence war burst out of no where. We gave both of us sometime to ourselves to find the way out of it. We knew our love and compassion towards each other were there all the time, is just that we are so caught up with the reality stress and past, in the end we need to be alone for awhile. And here we go 3 weeks of without being WE and temporarily be ME, the road to find the true us. I really told myself to stop checking your last status and searching the source of happiness by myself. I want to be happy of being ME, not ANYONE GIRLFRIEND, ANYONE BEST FRIEND, We made a mistake that we bottled up everything just to ensure the other person happiness. Shouldn't be that way. 

After three weeks of isolation, we met up like we promise to each other:"Lets give both of us some time out in 3 weeks. After the 3 weeks, meet me when you ready." So many sleepless nights that this might not turn out well, the silence might make you realize your love towards me were no longer there and the worst thing is we will come to the end. But, for god sake, we spoke it out and  I end up were in your arm, you holding me so tight.

That's when i realize, u love me like how i love you and even though we went through all those bad days, when you held me in your arms, I knew i wanna be the one you love and fight for. Secretly, I fall for you for second time. Smiling and I asked myself, this guy will gonna make you fall for him more and more day by day, and what about the unpredictable future? Let God decide it then. I rather risk then stop trying.

7/4/2016

反正都睡不着，就Update下羽今天的天空。

天空还是一样灰，可以说是两个月都是满城风雨的状态吧。

一直徘徊在你心里的那道比我还高的围墙，我被你冷漠在外头一个月。

其实一开始也没发现什么，就突然你忙你的课业开始变成我每次主动信息你，

之后一个礼拜每个讯息隔天看了却不回，

后来变成一个礼拜不看也不回，

我便无奈，问起你最近怎么了？你回：对不起，我心情不好，所以不想跟任何人说话。

着急的我就打了电话，你说：没事了....不懂怎样跟你说...何必给你知道...不知道...很好啊...想不通都还是得睡觉啊....*WTH I FEEL LIKE TALKING TO A PROGRAM WITH ALL THE CODING

我们的一年纪念日，你没写什么，听你的口气也好像不是我想象地开心。等了一整天还以为会有什么sweet的post，结果期待还是毁灭了。算了吧，我就主动告诉你吧。回的信息：happy anniversary。总觉得少了好多东西，少了些期待，少了些当初的暖暖，多了沉默，多了无奈，多了疑问。这也不能怪你，因为当初的争吵也算在我的份上。为了我们一周年纪念日，我写了很长的email，关于你超级在乎的事情，也是我不想提起的事情。有可能是因为这件事，你又开始冷漠我。现在是即将一个月了，我也只能在这里写下我的心情。

听着歌，就会开始自己哭。不知道这几个月我哭了多少次，也恨你了多少次。但每次看着你上线下线，我还是认定那个人是你。我企图有主动信息你，结果你给我的沉默让我更加痛心，怀疑你是不是开始把我推开。但是，我又回想你说过的话：不要自己在哪里想太多。

一，ignore my whatsapp

二，ignore my insta

三，u can reply my msg, but instead u liked other people picture on insta

或许你没了我的陪伴还至少有身边的哥儿们吧。而我呢？失去了我的男友，我的好友，我的伙伴。当一个人回到房间，对着那墙，又对着sibeh palia 的事情，我到底能跟谁哭诉？我真的累了每天强颜欢笑，而且没有一个朋友我信赖的。不是每个人都有空听你述说。哈哈哈，真的孤僻的我。那天小学朋友的聚会，我看见我的朋友和他的女朋友很甜蜜，我身边的朋友也忙着跟她的男朋友信息她在干嘛，而我看我那冷当当的电话。结果看见啤酒，我就灌酒。那是我人生第一啤酒，也一次就喝了三瓶。后来朋友问起，你怎么没在忙着跟你的男朋友聊天，结果那句话真的差点让我哭，可是我还是忍着说：没什么，他忙着应付考试，哈哈哈。为了掩饰我的泪水，就一直笑。我朋友就拍了我一张照片send 给你，你没看，也没得到你的问候。我觉得好难过，难道你不在乎我在外头喝酒吗？

现在，同个手段，两个改变我的爱情世界的男人用了同样的方法来抗议。但是现在不一样的是，对你的爱远比他也远比我自己还来的多，所以心就更难受，但还是让我无法忘记牵着你的手的时刻，依靠在你的肩膀的时刻。不管怎样坚强，我还是个女人。一边打着字，泪水又开始淹没我的双眼。又是失眠的夜晚。想的人还是你。晚安。爱你。

有你的回忆，总是那么美好

还记得不管班有多远你会假装找事情来顺便看我
还记得晕倒隔天你买了超大包的饼干
还记得那时的下课都是我们期待的见面
还记得那时我会看着你打球过后默默在心里觉得超帅气的
还记得在食堂偶然的请客，小小的礼物
还记得你总是和我分享你身边的事
还记得那时你积极在班上救当时我回答不了老师提出的问题
还记得我们一起主持中秋晚会
还记得那时你失望我毕业典礼后就这样走掉，你失去载我的机会
还记得那时放学总是陪我走的那段路
还记得你希望在外面都能whatsapp我而换去hotlink
还记得我们一起打拼stpm
还记得你看过我那爆肝脸上满痘痘的我
还记得那天你载我出去的第一天
还记得每次在车上坐在傍边，你一旦嘲笑欺负我就打你的手的习惯
还记得每次像个怪叔叔说要直接载我回你家，Lol
还记得你害羞地拉下车窗称呼我妈妈
还记得那neon glow bottle 虽然失败的那份感动
还记得你太不喜欢我班的人但是还是留下陪我庆祝生日
还记得那篮球衣写着usui takumi 7号
还记得你为了拿下olahragawan的拼，大家都看在眼里
还记得每次你跟你妈抢车为了要来载我
还记得你迷迷糊糊忘了我在外婆家，但跑到我家等我
还记得那圣诞节礼物，情人节礼物
还记得我收到第一朵玫瑰
还记得那天牵起我的手时感觉你紧张手在出汗
还记得你没带够现金我拯救了我们
还记得在melaka trip 时偶然看见你的前女友
还记得每次在麦当劳我们俩聊天的超多话题
还记得每次都烦着要去哪里吃
还记得因为我说过喜欢你家附近夜市的食物，之后你特地拿过来给我
还记得你在你的亲戚前面介绍我
还记得购物鞋子你还会帮忙一起看鞋子
还记得我们的baskin robbins
还记得我和你朋友做birthday surprise 还差点被他们遗忘躲在厕所的我
还记得我买给你的衣服，虽然你没说但我知道你不太喜欢
还记得那天新年第一次你来到我的家，而且是主动要求的
还记得那天你穿上我买的衣服，可是头发放gel发型怪怪的
还记得那天我第一次见到你妈妈
还记得我偶然会被你的发型感到无奈
还记得我们的三月二十日
还记得我看horror Movie 抓住你的手
还记得我看见你和我家人相处的那份感动
还记得你拿成绩后想到未来的路挣扎着
还记得我们俩上大学前的那个见面

The begining of you and me

Making my first step to new environment, with a ugly average length of hair and new uniform, thinking: Don't worry, u gonna be fine in new school, just 2 years. Nothing gonna goes wrong, right? *IF ONLY I KNEW THAT 2 YEARS WILL CHANGE MY LIFE COMPLETELY*

Smiling while walking through the crowd of all those old and new faces. We started our orientation for one week duration. Scanning through the people in the lecture hall. One group of guys that caught my attention. They were talking and laughing loudly, and looking around as well. I saw you, you were sitting between two of your friends with that fair skin and weird haircut. Without wasting any more time, i just glanced and stared at another group of girls. *IF ONLY I KNEW THAT YOU WILL CHANGE MY LIFE COMPLETELY*

Entered my new classroom, well not actually what i was expected. It was the first day when #lol6cergas gang met and became the bunch of classmates that makes my form six more fun and laughter. Although through those 2 years, arguments did happened, but believe me. My birthday celebration will never be the same like how that bunch of people celebrated for me.

JPAM camp which held at the bench. It was torturing because all those mosquitoes and training. I remember that night i was combing my hair in the tent, i look out and saw you were sitting at the bench lonely staring blankly, looking emo. *I WONDER WHAT YOU WERE THINKING BACK THEN

Then. the second semester we started studying chemistry together with another class, the physic class where you were. When me and my 2 friends went in and sat at the second row of the table, i saw you and your friends sat in front of me. From that day, we become friends and starting to know each other. I remember there was a Chinese writing competition, I went around asking anyone want to join in, u heard it and message me that night, but that time i was using that laosi Samsung phone was so lag, i didn't know u messaged me until the next day.

From that day, we started chatting even after school. However, you always the one who begin the conversation instead of me. Even after the competition ended, you still looked for me online. Then, came the lower six orientation. I was surprised that I'm the only person who got partner that from other classes to in charge of the station, and some of them telling me only mine special, but actually i don't get it, don't care anyway. For few days u didn't come to me to discuss about the plan and i got mad, complain to the head of the club. I was like: =.= what kind of person is this? 

Luckily the plan went successfully and from that activity we getting closer even more. However at that time, got one guy was trying to get close to me as well. First chat he had with me is: I miss you. I scolded him: Can u don't send this message to scare me off ma. He said sorry and i did't think much and we become friends. He did origami and always sitting beside me. I just thought he just being friendly *NAIVE ME LOL* He always said he lost his mother very young and wanted to just followed her to heaven. That was the day i started to get annoyed. He got so clingy and multiple messages coming in, but I still tolerating with him by replying with simple sentence. He always said bad rumors almost all the guys in school and I just act dumb. Then, eventually he started to realize i keep ignoring his messages all the time, and asked me whether I messaging with another guy. I said: yes, he made my day by talking with me. 

That day MCD discussion of MUET exam, someone said: hey, you wanna join volleyball or not, let him be your coach, I blushed. Well, that guy got the news and voice messaged me like 2am in the morning all the sudden with crying voice and confessed to me. I rejected him and he said he was fine. However, everything turned pretty nasty between him and we stopped talking since last arguments that i was so fed up.

Before the MCD discussion, you once in awhile came online and chat with me. I know you been beating around the bush to see how I felt for you, but i played dumb all the time. Until that day, i realize you wrote in one of the post i shared at Facebook: 错过有时候比较好吧....That was the day i confirm that i fell for you, because i stumbled and afraid you will gave up on me. I gained my courage, and asked one of your friend the way u felt for me in hoping your friend will let you know how i felt. Just what i expected, your friend did ask how you felt but never informed both parties until he so frustrated on the long hesitation both of us being into and let the cat out of the bag. On my idol, Lee Min Ho birthday, i purposely posted in Instagram saying Happy birthday, giving you a chance to come and talk with me. In my expectation, you did and admitted you like me. *DID YOU KNOW I WAS THE ONE WHO SECRETLY LEAVING THE TRACES ON THE PATH FOR YOU TO LEAD YOU INTO MY HEART? 

To be continued.................................................